Aishwarya Rai bids farewell to Bollywood

Mumbai (T2N2) In what could signal her shifting lock, stock and barrel to Hollywood, actor Aishwarya Rai has announced her retirement from the Bollywood film industry.

"I do have a few projects on hand. But once I finish them, I will not be seen in any Indian film. I will not be signing any new projects here,"

Rai told reporters here today.

The former Miss World revealed that she had been approached for a venture with Oscar-winning director Steven Spielberg and said a film with Tom Cruise was also in the offing.

The diva's announcement came as a shock to many of the leading lights of the Mumbai film industry.

According to co-star Abhishek Bachchan, even though Aish could now help project Indian films at the international level, her absence here may also "prove detrimental to the film industry."

Lover-turned-foe Salman Khan chose to remain silent on the issue while current hearthrob Vivek Oberoi was circumspect in his comments to media.

"We won't be able to meet that often. But careerwise, things are looking up for Aish,"

he said.

However, some critics interpret Rai's move as a move to get back at rival Rani Mukherjee who has been hogging the limelight recently with critically-acclaimed movies like 'Black' and the soon-to-be-released 'Paheli.' (T2N2)

John Paul II happy with heavenly abode

Undisclosed location (T2N2) Pope John Paul II, who recently crossed over to the other world is happy with his residence in heaven, sources said today.

"It's really clean and tidy here. Plus, its so peaceful that I can actually hear
the clouds passing by,"

the Pope was quoted as saying by sources.

The popular pontiff, who could well be on the path of sainthood, is also reported to have had an audience with the Heavenly Father as also his son Jesus Christ.

According to sources, the Pope told Princess Diana -

"It was a great moment. God is such a great guy. It was wonderful talking to him and Jesus. I met Mother Teresa too, but only for a few minutes. She's busy taking care of the Heavenly hospital here. It seems many angels here stumble over clouds (being the same colour as themselves) and sustain injuries. Mother seems to as useful here as on Earth."

Asked about his future plans, the Pope said he was looking forward to spend eternity in blissful retirement.

"There's so much to do. Answering prayers of the faithful on earth is in itself a tiring task. When I have time, I prefer sitting in the library here."

Replying to Saint Peter's questions about Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger's ability to lead the Catholics, the Pope is said to have praised him highly.

"I feel Ratzinger was the best choice for being the Pope and I am happy with the decision of the cardinals. He was my right-hand man and he would perform his duties well,"

the former Pope was quoted as saying.

The Pope's recommendation is expected to squash murmurs among a section of the Catholic community about the "hardliner" attitude of newly-installed Pope Benedict XVI. (T2N2)

22-kg baby actually an alien, say doctors

Kolkata (T2N2) Doctors have confirmed that an over-sized infant living in a nondescript village in West Bengal's Murshidabad district is actually an alien.

Lokman Hakim, the eleven-month-old who weighed in at an astonishing 22 kilos, has a penchant for gobbling down a kilo of rice and seven litres of milk at a single sitting.

Media reports had earlier cited doctors as saying that the abnormality had arisen from a hormonal imbalance but they have been unable to find any scientific explanation for the phenomenon.

Some of them now feel that the infant's voracious appetite cannot be ascribed to something on terra firma.

"It's sure to be an alien, Whether a good one like in 'Men in Black' or an evil
one like in 'Omen,' it's too early to say,"

says Dr Bulls Banerjee.

According to Dr Chills Chatterjee, India should start building a special ricket to zoom up the infant to wherever he belongs.

Meanwhile, villagers from miles away have started pouring into Lokman's village to catch a glimpse of the visitor from outer space.

Unscrupulous pundits have already set up a makeshift darshan tent wherein for a small fee, people can actually hold (if they can) the infant, which is an onerous task considering the kid starts emitting high-decibel screams if kept away from food for too long. (T2N2)

US agrees to cede Alaska to India

New Delhi (T2N2) In a significant development, the United States today conditionally agreed to cede its territory of Alaska to India, provided India gave up all claims of a permanent seat in the United Nations Security Council.
In an exclusive telephonic interview to this correspondent from Moscow, US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that Alaska was but a small price to pay for keeping India away from power at the UN.

"We just have snow and ice and Eskimos in Alaska. And a bit of oil too - but
then that cost we'll extract from India using other means. Anyways, it's a
really worth it to keep India away from the reins of power at the UN. Believe
me! It's worth it,"

Rice was in Moscow to conduct talks with Russian leaders and gloat over America's supremacy over the Kremlin.
Reactions from the ruling UPA government in New Delhi were on expected lines, even though a decision as to India's acceptance of the plan had not been taken till the time of filing this story. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh hailed the announcement as a new era in Indo-US ties -

"It's like we are now married. India is the husband and the US the wife and
Alaska is the dowry. What a wonderful life. God bless us both."

RSS supremo Sudershan, however, alleged that the gift was a double-edged one and part of a carefully thought-out strategy by the US.

"There will be millions of missionaries in Alaska, and they will all become
Indian citizens. This way the population of Christians here will increase and
they will start calling the shots in India."

Meanwhile, Tourism Minister Renuka Choudhary was excited about the news, and has already unveiled a plethora of plans to be put into action in Alaska.

"I can't give you much details yet. But we'll certainly be having a night bazaar
and cultural festival in Alaska."

External Affairs spokesperson Navtej Sarna said that a befitting reply to the US offer will be drafted and sent to the US in the coming days, but hinted that in all probability the reply would be a "positive one". (T2N2)

Uma may get Nobel Peace Prize

New Delhi (T2N2) A startling revelation rocked the Bhartiya Janata Party camp today with the Nobel Peace Prize Committee in Oslo revealing that sanyasin Uma Bharti had been nominated for the 2005 Nobel Peace Prize. The nomination came hours after the seasoned political campaigner announced that she was considering retiring from all political intrigues.

"The Committee feels that such a move by Lady Bharati is bound to usher in peace and harmony in Indian political circles and heralds a new beginning for Indian democracy. We feel the need to honour the damsel for her peerless sacrifice in the interests of the people,"

the Peace Prize panel said in a statement.
Although Ms Bharti was unavailable for comment, BJP President L K Advani was unequivocal in his immediate reaction to the announcement.

"I don't understand...I have offered to resign so many times. They never considered me for a prize."

Meanwhile, senior leader Vajpayee also seemed shocked by the news, considering that he burst out crying in front of reporters at his residence.

"Why...(sob)...Why can't she (sob) just leave without any controversy?"

Later in the evening, however, the party issued a perfunctory statement welcoming the announcement and added that it wished more of its notorious leaders could be conferred the coveted Prize, and help the party get rid of them in the process. (T2N2)




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