Thursday, September 29, 2005

George Bush actually Mexican by birth

Washington (T2N2) Did you know George W Bush has more in common with tequila and tortilla than he would ever care to admit? The Democrats have never had it this good before - A Republican President of the United States who is actually Mexican by birth.

Unbelievable? You better believe it. Former US president Bush Senior today admitted that son George does not carry an iota of either his or Barbara Bush's genes.

"George is actually the son of our Mexican help Frida who had a live-in relationship with our Mexican chauffeur Enrique. When Enrique dumped Frida, we offered to raise George and give him the security of an American surname. Even a McDonalds in India is more American than George is," he told T2N2 in an exclusive interview.

Bush Senior said that he had made this disclosure as he could no longer continue lying to the world.

"Somewhere in a village in Mexico lives a woman who knows her son is the President of the greatest country in the world but can't reveal it to anybody. My mission now is to help George meet his real mother," he added.

But wouldn't it be difficult to identify the true Frida from the millions who will come forward to claim George as their own?

"That won't be a problem. When she left George with us, Frida carried one half of his soiled diaper with her as a keepsake. The other half is with me. Only when the two halves match perfectly will we know who George's real mother is."

President Bush, however, refused to comment on his father's revelations and closeted himself at his Crawford ranch.

Meanwhile, Democrat Hillary Clinton is all set to cash in on the latest White House scandal and shore up support for her bid to become the first woman president of the United States.

"Forget Rita, forget Katrina. The Bush tequila is the one cocktail that will get Senator Hillary to power next time,"
an aide close to her told us on condition of anonymity. (T2N2)

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Indian discovers cure for baldness

New Delhi (T2N2) Bald men rejoice! It's time to get back your hair. Thanks to Indian scientist Prof Bala Nagappa and his team at the University of Hirsutology here, a receding hairline will soon be a thing of the past.

The miracle cure reportedly makes use of cowdung and liver of lizard but that may not deter millions worldwide from rushing to their nearby chemist.

"The liquid potion will be marketed as Hairy Fairy and will be available in stores by the end of this month," says Nagappa.

The wonder drug was developed after three months of back-breaking research by Nagappa and eleven of his undergraduate students.

"We first tested it on bald dogs, then bald pigs and finally our bald peon Ram Chander. It worked wonders on all of them. Especially Ram who has started dating once again after growing nearly three million new hairs on his scalp," says Nagappa.

According to a highly-placed source in Stockholm, Nagappa and his team are now in the running for this year's Nobel Prize for Medicine.

"It's obvious. All the guys in the Nobel Prize jury are bald and are hoping to get free samples from Nagappa," the source told T2N2.

The miracle drug has to be ingested once daily and starts showing results within a week, Nagappa says.

However, a sect of bald people in Italy are challenging the marketing of the hair potion.

"It's cool to be bald and we are proud of it. Many of our Bald and Beautiful members will be converted to the Hairy religion and we resent it," the head of the sect said in a message writen in blood to Nagappa, a copy of which was given to us.

However, Nagappa is going ahead with plans for a mega launch of the Hairy Fairy and has reportedly roped in film actors Bruce Willis and Anupam Kher for promoting the new drug. (T2N2)

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Indian techies rush to Laden's help

Islamabad (T2N2) Move over Pakistan. Terror mastermind Osama bin Laden has found a new ally in the Indian BPO industry.

Speaking to this correspondent from his secret hideout near the Pak-Afghan border, Laden today outlined his plans of hiring al-Qaeda liaison officers from India's leading call centres.

"The problem is that Pakistani recruits here are absolutely ignorant about everything. They don't even know the capital of the United States. What if I tell them to bomb Paris and they end up attacking Tokyo instead?"

Like many Western countries, Laden found a solution in India's low paid yet highly educated urban youth, especially those based in the desi version of Silicon Valley.

"These Bangalore-based guys are just great. The moment any of my Qaedis face any problem, they just call up the call-centre and are given specific instructions on what to bomb, where to bomb and how to bomb. Things are now running with clockwork precision and the next few weeks will see a new reign of terror."

With more and more high-profile customers waxing eloquent about the quality of their employees, Indian call-centres look set to dominate the BPO beat in the coming years.(T2N2)