'India can win 2010 football World Cup'

New Delhi (T2N2) India beats Brazil to win World Cup. Stumped? But football authorities here believe that this could be a front-page headline in the country's newspapers in 2010.

Officials at the All India Football Federation confirm that a series of classified briefings held recently focused on easing India into the top echelons of football-playing nations in the next three years.

The AIFF is pumping in a lot of money to hold training camps and find new talent to replace its current national team, which is ranked at a measly 117 on the FIFA list.

"Plus British coach Bob Houghton has been specially recruited to make this dream a reality," says one official.

India last qualified for the World Cup in Brazil in 1950. And officials believe that 60 years later, India will be one of the 32 nations battling it out in South Africa for the Jules Rimet trophy. (T2N2)

Fear of 666 grips Indian village

Kinnamoochi (T2N2) Most folks in this nondescript village in the Indian state of Kerala are terrified of what may happen tomorrow.

They suffer from Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia - the fear of the number 666. For those who still haven't understood what the problem is, June 6 this year can also be written as 06/06/06.

The number has been traditionally associated with the number of the devil or the Anti-Christ and gains notoriety because of its mention in Chapter 18 Verse 18 of the Book of Revelation.

"Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is six hundred threescore and six."

The number holds special significance for Kinnamoochi village because it's number 666 on the country's official register of villages.

In fact, the Christian-dominated village is observing a voluntary curfew tomorrow with most residents feeling they would be safer at home than outside.

Local police said schools, offices and streets are likely to be deserted for the next 24 hours - at least till the "safe arrival" of June 7.

Some villagers have stocked up on rations for a month fearing war, pestilence and even the end of the world. (T2N2)

Cancan steals the show at Cannes

Cannes (T2N2) A group of amateur cancan dancers here is trying its best to make this year's Cannes film festival the most memorable one yet.

The 16 members of the 'Come Cancan' troupe spend hours regaling visitors with impromptu performances at this fashionable resort town on the French Riviera.

Troupe manager Jacques LeBlanc says he wants to synergise the French experience at the annual extravaganza, amalgamating dance with the visual media.

The cancan - a lively dance of French origin - is performed chiefly by women and is marked by high kicking. Within decades of its development in Paris in the early 19th century, the dance form quickly made its way into revues and stage productions.

LeBlanc believes that catching tourists unawares with performances at pubs and cafes is the best way to show them the "true" Cannes.

"In fact, we are thinking of changing the name of our troupe to 'Come Cancan at Cannes'. Sounds great, doesn't it?"

In case you thought the 2006 film festival was only about The Da Vinci Code and X-Men: The Last Stand, think again - you might just be missing out on the Cannes cancan. (T2N2)

US stance on Iran a 'load of crap'

Washington (T2N2) A senior US diplomat has claimed that the Bush administration's threat to invoke sanctions against Iran for alleged nuclear activity is just a "load of crap".

Speaking on condition of anonymity, the US State Department official also told T2N2 that chances of a military showdown with Iran were "absolutely zero".

The comments came ahead of Friday's deadline set by the UN Security Council for Tehran to freeze uranium enrichment work as a confidence-building measure.

"With President George W Bush already facing a slide in popularity over the fiasco in Iraq, do you think he will dare to even think of a repeat in Iran."

According to the official, the best friends of both of the President's daughters are from Tehran. Plus, Bush loves Iranian food and has many friends from the country.

"Bush has several icecream buddies in Iran. There's no chance he will actually jeopardize their friendship for some rotten nuclear activity which is unlikely to bear fruit anyway.

"So why the posturing? As a world superpower, the US needs to assert its presence and bully other countries. It's only bark, no bite."

Meanwhile, reports of several Iranian restaurants in the US capital pulling down their shutters have sent White House officials into a tizzy. (T2N2)

UK town secures itself after terror threat

London (T2N2) Following reports of an al-Qaeda threat, the residents of Wousehode, 40 miles south of the capital, are trying their best to secure their town from any terror attack.

Over the past week, roads leading to the town were painstakingly "wiped" out to prevent vehicles from coming in. Guards have been posted at every nook and corner and every registered citizen has been provided with guns to protect themselves, official sources said.

The measures were taken after an anonymous letter addressed to Wousehode mayor, Doug Heffernan, claimed that the al-Qaeda was preparing for a series of attacks on the nondescript town.

According to Heffernan, residents took matters into their own hands after Scotland Yard refused to pay any credence to the conspiracy theory.

Meanwhile, government sources said they will be looking into the incident.(T2N2)

Forget about Memory pills

New Delhi (T2N2) Goodbye memory pills. Indian scientists at the Memory Institute here have come up with 'Forget' - a pill that actually helps you forget incidents.

Stumped? Well, Raj Shekhar and his team of researchers say that people are eager to forget a lot of unhappy events in their life - the death of a loved one, a traumatic divorce or even the day your Board Exam results came through.

The pill works by forcing the consumer to briefly focus on a facet of the incident and then wipes it out completely from their memory. But what's in the wonder drug? Shekhar refuses to tell us - for now.

"We aren't ready to reveal the ingredients just yet. Foreign multinationals are ever ready to claim stuff invented or perfected by Indians as their own. Take basmati rice for example."

That may be true but will the global community accept a pill that could make incidents depicted in the Hollywood flick Fifty First Dates a lot more common.

The scientists are adopting a 'wait and watch' attitude preferring instead to continue with tests in control groups. But Shekhar promises to reveal more about the wonder pill by the end of this year.

Seems like we will have to take a memory pill to help us remember not to 'forget' about it. (T2N2)

US-India nuke deal hinges on Banarasi sarees

Washington (T2N2) Despite hectic lobbying in political circles to either clinch or scrap the Indo-US deal, the outcome of the nuclear accord may well depend on - believe it or not - sarees.

India has gifted a pure Banarasi silk saree to each US Congressmen, State Department sources said here.

Currently, a draft legislation on the nuclear accord has been sent to the US Congress by the Bush administration and officials in India are hoping against hope the sarees might just do the trick.

The offer comes at a time when interest in Indian apparel is at an all-time high and the wives of US Congressmen may be tempted to persuade their spouses to see the deal through, the sources said.

Apparently, apprehensions were high in India that Bush would not be able to clinch the deal on his own steam, and the freebie sarees were needed to bring the Congress around.

The Indian saree, espoused by several Hollywood leading ladies, has in the last couple of years caused a sartorial revolution in the fashion streets of Milan and Paris.(T2N2)

NY firm sells water at USD 50 a barrel

New York (T2N2) Samuel Taylor Coleridge's immortal verses on water in Rime of the Ancient Mariner have been cleverly adopted by 21st century pundits to drive home the Save Water campaign.

But even the 19th-century poet would have been astounded by the lengths to which man would go to ensure water supply for himself.

A US company here is doing just that - cashing in on people's fears of a waterless future - and selling water at 50 dollars per barrel. The firm, which calls itself Secure Water for Your Future (SWYF), says it will store water in fortified cryogenised tanks with unique passwords for its paying customers.

These containers will be opened in 2050, at which time the customers or their heirs will be given back the water - to use as they please.

"At that time, a glass of water is estimated to be worth around 100 dollars. We are enabling people to gift their children water security for the future," says company CEO Doug Heffernan.

Surprisingly, sales have been brisk with 45,000 barrels of water sold since the start-up began its scheme in January this year.(T2N2)

Kidney helps Eve get new-age Adam

New Delhi (T2N2) Rakesh Mathur may not be liking it but his wife Hemlata sure is.

Ever since Mathur underwent a kidney transplant in December last year, this Mongolpuri resident has been exhibiting all the traits of a homemaker.

And why is Hemlata happy with all this? Well, her lazy good-for-nothing husband has suddenly started helping around the house, assisting her with the laundry, the dishes and even changing son Chintu's diapers.

Doctors now suspect that Mathur was given the kidney of a woman and that his newly-acquired habits are vestiges of the deceased woman's traits.

According to kidney specialist Montu Jain, a woman's kidney is radically different from that of a man and responds strongly to external stimuli such as bawling babies, dirty shoes or mangy dogs.

"This particular woman seems to be wielding an extraordinary influence on Mathur. We are closely studying the phenomenon. Nobody's complaining, so we are not thinking of another kidney transplant on Mathur just yet."

Not that Mathur is overjoyed about the whole thing. The 35-year-old chartered accountant says he's happy to help his wife but the time he spends picking up homemaker skills have put paid to drinking sessions with his male colleagues. (T2N2)

India gets 365 Umbrella Days in office

New Delhi (T2N2) The Indian government has authorised the use of umbrellas inside government offices even on non-rainy days.

The Perennial Umbrellas in Government Offices (PUGO) Act 2005 is set to come into force by February after the bill was passed by a majority in both Houses of Parliament yesterday.


According to official sources, people all over India had been eagerly awaiting the Act which has been in the offing for several long years.

"Instead of waiting for government officials to wake up from their siestas and finish pending work, colleagues can now merely poke them with umbrellas. It's a great relief for our throats which had turned hoarse from shouting."

All umbrellas be it parasols or toy versions of all hues would come under the purview of the PUGO Act.

However, the Act will not be enforced in private sector offices as the workaholic ambience coupled with the boss's high blood pressure is considered sufficient antidote to any propensity for falling asleep on the job. (T2N2)

How hic hic Bush vexed Abbas

Washington (T2N2) Newly declassified documents have revealed that US President George W Bush may be indirectly responsible for the current deadlock in the Middle East peace talks. His crime - Hiccupping.

Two years ago, when Bush met Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas at the White House, Abbas had seemed ready to do anything to procure lasting peace between Israel and Palestine, says an excerpt from a CIA document.

"Unfortunately, just as Abbas was about to sign on the US-brokered roadmap, Bush hiccupped - loudly. A startled Abbas looked up even as the president hiccupped again...and again. When Bush started on his fourteenth hiccup, a visibly-irritated Abbas left the room."

Though under heavy pressure at home to make concrete progress with Bush on the roadmap, Abbas never returned to sign the document. Following a joint news conference where the matter was not discussed, the Palestinian prime minister left for the airport.

White House aides told T2N2 that Bush frequently falls prey to bouts of hiccupping. Many of these have unfortunately struck him during important meetings and who knows - may have inevitably changed the course of history as we know it.

And how does the President get cured? We got our answer, albeit on condition of anonymity, from one of his aides.

"We have tried everything. But he seems to react best to eating peanut butter. So, we have stocked up every possible room here with the president's favourite brand."

Still, that's a temporary solution. Who knows how many more world leaders will Dubya irritate with his untimely hiccups?

After all, Welshman John Francis Crosland has been hiccupping for more than 40 years.(T2N2)

To be or not to be - Who cares!

London (T2N2) A post-modernist rendition of Shakespeare's immortal play Hamlet, running to packed houses here, has enraged literary purists who say the new version is 'disgusting' and 'unpalatable'.

Unruly Kid productions started performing the kitschy Bollywood-style Hamlet at Queen's Hall on October 15.

According to director Kelton John, elements of tragedy have been deliberately suppressed to make way for what audiences of the 21st century want - Happy Endings.

Deviating from the Shakespearian plot, the play depicts Hamlet as an ambitious prince who kills tyrant Claudius the minute he gets the message from his father's ghost.

Though Ophelia and Gertrude are very much present, the roles of Laertes and Polonius have been cut to accommodate dance sequences set to music by rock band Metallica and India's Shankar-Ehsan-Loy.

"People were getting bored with the concept of the tragic hero. They needed a new hero who takes revenge and enjoys his life too," says John.

Hamlet's celebrated aporia, including his To be or not to be speech, is totally missing from the new production.

In the biggest twist, Hamlet does not die at the end of the play, which sees him cavorting with beloved Ophelia in a 'happily ever after' dream sequence set to Nach Baliye from the Hindi blockbuster Bunty aur Babli.(T2N2)

We are down but not out

New Delhi (T2N2) This online newspaper has been temporarily shut down. It's offices have been raided by FBI agents mad at our discovering the truth behind George Bush' parentage.

While we sort out this mammoth mess, we can only assuage the feelings of our sympathisers with one teeny-weeny promise a la Arnie - We'll be back. (T2N2)

Mystikata falls in love with Priyanka

New Delhi (T2N2) Political circles were agog this week with news that mosquitoes had been detected in the servant quarters of Priyanka Gandhi Vadra's residence. But not everyone knows there's a love story behind it all.

Mystikata, an Aedes Aegypti mosquito interviewed by T2N2, has professed her undying love for the daughter of UPA chairperson Sonia Gandhi.

Apparently a regular at Vadra's VIP residence, Mystikata has been smitten by Priyanka's charms, fair skin and of course "yummy blood."

On Wednesday, a news agency quoted an New Delhi Municipal Council employee as saying that Priyanka had been warned to take precautions and check the breeding of dengue mosquitoes at her home.

But Mystikata remains unperturbed and vows not to leave the place.

"After all, I belong to a royal family. We have been serving the Gandhi family for generations. I even remember Rajiv...Ooh! he was so handsome and tasty...and I remember my great-great grandmother Kuchkata telling me just how delicious Nehru had been."

According to the mosquito, not every Tom, Dick and Harry can dare to bite a member of India's most famous family.

"We have dynasty rule here too. Only the most pure ones, claiming descent from Queen Hairekata (she tasted the blood of sepoy Mangal Pandey in 1857) can lay claim to serving the Gandhi family."

Mystikata is also proud of her clan's achievements this year - The national capital has reported 244 cases of dengue this year compared to 83 last year. (T2N2)

Iran to stop exporting buckets to India

New Delhi (T2N2) India's crucial vote supporting the IAEA resolution against Iran has come back to haunt us.



Irritated by the Janus-faced politics of the ruling UPA government, Iran's Ambassador Zargar Yaghoubi today delivered an angry missive to President A P J Abdul Kalam from his Iranian counterpart Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.



Sources told us Iran has decided to stop exporting its world-class series of Plastoran buckets to India.



Plastorans are known for their durability and are the favourites in the bucket category worldwide. In fact, India imports 2.5 lakh such buckets from Iran each year.



Although Yaghoubi declined to talk to the media, highly-placed sources told us Iran was miffed by India's attitude and has withdrawn the one item on its export list that would cause India "much pain" and "regret."



According to Congress leader and former Minister of State for External Affairs Salman Khurshid, efforts are being made to smoothen ruffled feathers and political expediency might just save the day for India.

"All are certainly missing the Plastoran buckets. But I am not saying all is lost. There is still time for discussions and India may still hang on to Iran's world-class buckets."

Experts agree that Iran might retract this harsh decision once India votes in favour of our 'bucket' friend at the November meet of the IAEA. (T2N2)

George Bush actually Mexican by birth

Washington (T2N2) Did you know George W Bush has more in common with tequila and tortilla than he would ever care to admit? The Democrats have never had it this good before - A Republican President of the United States who is actually Mexican by birth.



Unbelievable? You better believe it. Former US president Bush Senior today admitted that son George does not carry an iota of either his or Barbara Bush's genes.

"George is actually the son of our Mexican help Frida who had a live-in relationship with our Mexican chauffeur Enrique. When Enrique dumped Frida, we offered to raise George and give him the security of an American surname. Even a McDonalds in India is more American than George is," he told T2N2 in an exclusive interview.

Bush Senior said that he had made this disclosure as he could no longer continue lying to the world.

"Somewhere in a village in Mexico lives a woman who knows her son is the President of the greatest country in the world but can't reveal it to anybody. My mission now is to help George meet his real mother," he added.

But wouldn't it be difficult to identify the true Frida from the millions who will come forward to claim George as their own?

"That won't be a problem. When she left George with us, Frida carried one half of his soiled diaper with her as a keepsake. The other half is with me. Only when the two halves match perfectly will we know who George's real mother is."

President Bush, however, refused to comment on his father's revelations and closeted himself at his Crawford ranch.

Meanwhile, Democrat Hillary Clinton is all set to cash in on the latest White House scandal and shore up support for her bid to become the first woman president of the United States.

"Forget Rita, forget Katrina. The Bush tequila is the one cocktail that will get Senator Hillary to power next time,"

an aide close to her told us on condition of anonymity. (T2N2)

Indian discovers cure for baldness

New Delhi (T2N2) Bald men rejoice! It's time to get back your hair. Thanks to Indian scientist Prof Bala Nagappa and his team at the University of Hirsutology here, a receding hairline will soon be a thing of the past.

The miracle cure reportedly makes use of cowdung and liver of lizard but that may not deter millions worldwide from rushing to their nearby chemist.

"The liquid potion will be marketed as Hairy Fairy and will be available in stores by the end of this month," says Nagappa.

The wonder drug was developed after three months of back-breaking research by Nagappa and eleven of his undergraduate students.

"We first tested it on bald dogs, then bald pigs and finally our bald peon Ram Chander. It worked wonders on all of them. Especially Ram who has started dating once again after growing nearly three million new hairs on his scalp," says Nagappa.

According to a highly-placed source in Stockholm, Nagappa and his team are now in the running for this year's Nobel Prize for Medicine.

"It's obvious. All the guys in the Nobel Prize jury are bald and are hoping to get free samples from Nagappa," the source told T2N2.

The miracle drug has to be ingested once daily and starts showing results within a week, Nagappa says.

However, a sect of bald people in Italy are challenging the marketing of the hair potion.

"It's cool to be bald and we are proud of it. Many of our Bald and Beautiful members will be converted to the Hairy religion and we resent it," the head of the sect said in a message writen in blood to Nagappa, a copy of which was given to us.

However, Nagappa is going ahead with plans for a mega launch of the Hairy Fairy and has reportedly roped in film actors Bruce Willis and Anupam Kher for promoting the new drug. (T2N2)

Indian techies rush to Laden's help

Islamabad (T2N2) Move over Pakistan. Terror mastermind Osama bin Laden has found a new ally in the Indian BPO industry.



Speaking to this correspondent from his secret hideout near the Pak-Afghan border, Laden today outlined his plans of hiring al-Qaeda liaison officers from India's leading call centres.

"The problem is that Pakistani recruits here are absolutely ignorant about everything. They don't even know the capital of the United States. What if I tell them to bomb Paris and they end up attacking Tokyo instead?"

Like many Western countries, Laden found a solution in India's low paid yet highly educated urban youth, especially those based in the desi version of Silicon Valley.

"These Bangalore-based guys are just great. The moment any of my Qaedis face any problem, they just call up the call-centre and are given specific instructions on what to bomb, where to bomb and how to bomb. Things are now running with clockwork precision and the next few weeks will see a new reign of terror."

With more and more high-profile customers waxing eloquent about the quality of their employees, Indian call-centres look set to dominate the BPO beat in the coming years.(T2N2)

Bye Bye Qutab Minar

New Delhi (T2N2) Experts here are baffled by the sudden disappearance this morning of the capital city's most famous historical landmark - the Qutab Minar.



Police have cordoned off the area and all retail outlets of sandstone dealers are being raided by the CBI.



Meanwhile, an emergency meeting has been convened by the Ministry of Home Affairs to assess the situation. A Ministry official confirmed that the site where the tower once stood was now totally bare.



The hand of terror outfits like Al-Qaeda is not being ruled out, he said.



The loss was discovered by caretaker Ghumman who told reporters he had no clue where the heritage structure was.

"The Minar was there as usual when I went to sleep last night. This morning when I woke up it had vanished."

Historians feel that it would be next to impossible to transport the Qutab Minar as it is. The only other alternative of taking it down brick-by-brick would have taken even a dedicated army months to accomplish.



According to an ASI official, all this might be the handiwork of a master illusionist like David Copperfield who has hypnotised people into "not seeing" the Qutab Minar. Investigations are on, he said, adding that the loss of the Minar "would be a great loss for India."



Sultan Qutb-ud-Din Aibak laid the foundation of the Minar in AD1199 and it was completed by his successor Iltutmish. At 72.5 metres, the red sandstone structure is, or rather was, the highest stone tower in India.(T2N2)

Mumbai rains lucky for Tommy the eel

Mumbai (T2N2) The Maharashtra floods may have caused a lot of damage but a 41-year-old scientist is actually thanking God for opening Heaven's floodgates.


Meet Sadashiv Nene (no relation to Madhuri Dixit) who discovered a new species of eel previously unknown to mankind. It all happened right at his house during this week's flash floods.

"I had retreated to the upper floors of my Andheri apartment during the rains. When I came down to the ground floor to search for my dog, I found this magnificent golden-brown eel swimming nonchalantly above my submerged desk."

The new species called 'Eelus Nenelus' after its finder, is said to belong to the non-poisonous variety. Experts suggest that the unprecedented rains in India's financial capital had literally fished out the eel from its hideout, and there might be more where this one came from.


The discovery has been validated by the London Society of Eels, and Nene is obviously on cloud nine.

"Of course, I am happy. Though my dog did not make it alive, I am very pleased to have found this new pet. I have even named it Tommy after my dog."

Be that as it may, Nene might find it a tad difficult holding on to Tommy because his wife Rukmini refuses to come anywhere near his new pet.(T2N2)