Crazy Journo

Sania Mirza to play tennis on Mars

2008-04-19T04:31:00.003+05:30

NEW DELHI (T2N2) Indian tennis star Sania Mirza will play an exhibition tennis match on the planet Mars in December in what is being seen as yet another attempt to attract space tourists to the Red planet.

Mirza has agreed to play a match on a makeshift tennis court on Olympus Mons, the highest known mountain in the Solar System.

"I know it will be tough -- playing tennis in a spacesuit is not easy but the experience would be great," the 21-year-old told T2N2 on Friday.

There is no word yet on the identity of Mirza's opponent in the match but ATP and WTA spokespersons said no other professional tennis player had been asked to play.

A source in the Indian government said the match might be a ploy by some Indian fundamentalists to banish Mirza from the country and lock her away on Mars.

A Muslim organisation which had issued a fatwa against the tennis player for playing in short skirts said its members were confused if the decree was valid in outer space.

"I guess if she is playing in a spacesuit, it's okay. We might even send some representative to Mars to cheer her to victory, especially if her opponent is wearing short skirts," a spokesperson said on condition of anonymity. (T2N2)

Indian stray dogs world's sexiest: Report

2008-04-02T03:23:00.004+05:30

NEW DELHI (T2N2) Indian stray dogs are set to give desi men a complex. A study released today by an international dog-lovers club 'We Love Animals' has rated them the world's sexiest.

The lowly mongrel beat dogs from around the world, including pedigreed dogs from India, when it came to "prowess in bed," the report said.

"They may not be much to look at but female dogs around the world love them anyways," a spokesperson for the NGO said.

[Image: four-block moku hanga print of Indian stray dog by Serendipity Artist]

The study found that Indian stray dogs romped home on the sexiness quotient both in terms of endurance power and ability to satisfy their "spouses."

During the study, 1756 bitches of various breeds were given leeway to consummate relationships with a dog of their choice.

An overwhelming majority of 1301 zeroed in on the Indian mongrel, which top-scored in categories like 'body-odour, 'curvature of tail', 'shapeliness of the femural bone' and 'licking ability'.

Despite its small size, the Brazilian Chihuahua was adjudged the runner-up, garnering the affections of 91 bitches while the German Shepherd was the chosen mutt for 81.

Interestingly, the British Bulldog remained the hapless bachelor with even the bitch of the same species refusing to entertain his woofs.(T2N2)
(This post was first published on June 27, 2005)

US-India nuke deal hinges on Banarasi sarees

2008-04-02T03:13:00.003+05:30

NEW YORK (T2N2) Despite hectic lobbying in political circles to either clinch or scrap the Indo-US deal, the outcome of the nuclear accord may well depend on - believe it or not - sarees.

India has gifted a pure Banarasi silk saree to each US Congressman, State Department sources said here.

The offer comes at a time when interest in Indian apparel is at an all-time high and the wives of US Congressmen may be tempted to persuade their spouses to see the deal through, the sources said.

Apparently, apprehensions were high in India that Bush would not be able to clinch the deal on his own steam, and the freebie sarees were needed to bring the Congress around.

The Indian saree, espoused by several Hollywood leading ladies, has in the last couple of years caused a sartorial revolution in the fashion streets of Milan and Paris. (T2N2)
(This post was first published on March 26, 2006)

CBI in New York to arrest Richard Gere

2007-04-29T03:17:00.000+05:30

NEW DELHI (T2N2) A two-member team of India's Central Bureau of Investigation is in New York to arrest Richard Gere, a ministry source told T2N2.

Gere, who had sparked off sporadic protests in some cities when he kissed Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty at an anti-AIDS event, now faces three months in an Indian jail for violating obscenity laws.

An arrest warrant in the actor's name was issued by a Jaipur court earlier this week. The CBI officials have been asked to track down Gere and bring him back to India to face trial. Ministry officials were wary of divulging further details but said the task would not be an easy one considering Gere is on U.S. soil.(T2N2)

Other Headlines
Shilpa Shetty nominated for Nobel Peace Prize
Dhoni to make West Indies permanent home
Aishwarya divorces tree after 1st wife turns up

My Other Blog
Toe Knee Unplugged

Kabaddi new national game for India

2007-03-25T21:12:00.000+05:30

NEW DELHI (T2N2) Alarmed over embarrassing defeats in hockey and cricket, parliamentarians in India have drafted a legislation to make kabaddi the national game of the country.

Although hockey is nominally the national sport, cricket is the local craze - with the nation coming to a stop every time the Indian cricket team plays. But things have changed since India's infamous loss to minnows Bangladesh in the cricket World Cup.

Kabaddi, a rural sport in which India are still undisputed champions, is now leading in the race to be the official sport of the country.

Closely following on its heels is the number puzzle Sudoku and India's performance in the World Sudoku Championships at Prague might just see this sport becoming the national game.

Parliamentarians are expected to take a decision on the issue by June.(T2N2)

Other Headlines
Shilpa Shetty nominated for Nobel Peace Prize
Dhoni to make West Indies permanent home
Aishwarya divorces tree after 1st wife turns up

My Other Blog
Toe Knee Unplugged

Dhoni to make West Indies permanent home

2007-03-19T19:49:00.001+05:30

PORT OF SPAIN, Trinidad (T2N2) Wicketkeeper Mahendra Dhoni made a surprising announcement today - he won't be going back to India after the cricket World Cup.

The sudden decision comes on the heels of television reports that irate fans had stoned Dhoni's house in Ranchi after India lost to Bangladesh on Saturday.

Dhoni told T2N2 he had already applied for a house permit in Trinidad.

"This is disgusting. One loss and they do this to my house. Why should I go back to India. I will stay here"

Skipper Rahul Dravid told T2N2 he had tried his best to pacify Dhoni but the Ranchi batsman stood by his decision.

Protesters in several Indian cities burned effigies of the country's cricket players and chanted slogans against the team after the shocking loss to Bangladesh. (T2N2)

Other Headlines
Shilpa Shetty nominated for Nobel Peace Prize
George Bush actually Mexican by birth
Aishwarya divorces tree after 1st wife turns up

My Other Blog
Toe Knee Unplugged

Aishwarya divorces tree after 1st wife turns up

2007-02-09T05:22:00.001+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) Bollywood actress and former Miss World Aishwarya Rai has divorced a peepal tree she had recently married, after local residents discovered the tree in question had previously tied the knot with a neem tree.

Priest Shiv Sundar, who performed the ceremony, said the divorce was necessitated because bigamy is not allowed in India and Aishwarya did not want to be anybody's second wife.

"During the drought last year, people in Benares had married off the peepal tree to a nearby neem. We were not aware of this development and were forced to break off Aishwarya's relationship"

Both trees was unavailable for comment.

Ironically, Aishwarya had married the tree to overcome astrological differences prior to her scheduled nuptials with fellow actor Abhishek Bachchan.

In fact, a lawyer had filed a PIL in the Patna High Court against Aishwarya for promoting untouchability through tree marriage. (T2N2)

Other Headlines
Shilpa Shetty nominated for Nobel Peace Prize
George Bush actually Mexican by birth
Hillary sets her sights on Mrs World title

Shilpa Shetty nominated for Nobel Peace Prize

2007-02-03T16:05:00.000+05:30

Oslo (T2N2) Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, days after she won the British TV show Celebrity Big Brother and maintained her composure in the face of alleged racist bullying by fellow contestant Jade Goody.

Shilpa's poise and equanimity on the show has impressed viewers worldwide and her act of forgiving tormentor Jade has made the Indian actress an epitome of humanity, a member of the Norwegian Nobel Committee revealed to T2N2.

If she wins, Shilpa will be the second Indian citizen to be awarded the prestigious honour after Skopje-born Mother Teresa won it in 1979.

Shilpa, who will be meeting British Prime Minister Tony Blair on February 7 and Queen Elizabeth II in March, said she was delighted to learn of her nomination.(T2N2)

[Click here for daily highlights and videos of Shilpa Shetty's stint on Big Brother]

Other Headlines
Hillary sets her sights on Mrs World title
US-India nuke deal hinges on Banarasi sarees
George Bush actually Mexican by birth

Osama says he's "right here waiting for you"

2007-01-04T23:29:00.000+05:30

Somewhere in Afghanistan (T2N2) Al-Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden has confirmed that he's alive and well and all geared up to continue his fight against the enemies of Islam.

"I am right here waiting for you (US soldiers). I won't die so easily," Laden was quoted as saying by one of his trusted lieutenants Abu Hanif on Thursday.

Hanif told T2N2 in a brief telephonic chat that America's most wanted man was reacting to Taliban chief Mullah Mohammad Omar's recent remarks in the media claiming he hadn't seen Laden since US troops ousted the Taliban from Afghanistan in 2001.

Speculation over the whereabouts and health of bin Laden has been rife with no word from the Al Qaeda chief since the first half of 2006. However, intelligence agencies have rejected several reports of his death. A French newspaper had even claimed Laden had died of typhoid. (T2N2)

Hillary sets her sights on Mrs World title

2006-10-24T21:08:00.001+05:30

New York (T2N2) Hillary Clinton faces re-election next month as Senator from New York, but the race on everyone's mind is the one two years from now. Will the former First Lady be a candidate for Mrs World in 2008?

While beauty is the key element, contestants in this yearly extravaganza are also urged to voice their opinions about marriage and current affairs. All married women – young wives, mothers and even grandmothers – are eligible to participate.

Our source in the Clinton household told us that Hillary, who would be 61 two years hence, has set her sights on winning the annual contest for married women.

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According to opinion polls in the US, the wife of former President Bill Clinton is a sure-shot winner even if she takes on contestants 40 years her junior.

Asked repeatedly whether she will make a bid for the beauty title, Clinton has remained noncommital.

"I've been asked that question a few times, and as I've said many times before I am focused on my work in the Senate," she said.

"Obviously people are talking about whether or not I will or should run for Mrs World and I'm flattered by that, but I have made no decisions," she added.(T2N2)

Crazy Journo - Now Available on Podcast

2006-10-04T18:39:00.000+05:30

Well, not really. Just some posts actually. Here you can listen to the first ever post on this blog - Uma may get Nobel Peace Prize (April 20, 2005).

Will soon put up more posts on the Crazy Journo podcast

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KANK a bitter pill for NRI marriages

2006-09-02T00:24:00.000+05:30

New York (T2N2) Karan Johar's schmaltzy epic may not have caused a stir at the desi box-office but NRI marriages in the Big Apple have been literally "rocked and rolled" by Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna.

Shahrukh and Rani's extra-marital affair in the film has spawned a plethora of similar flings in the city, with the rate of divorce among NRI couples up by 30 per cent since the release of KANK.

As many as 953 Indian-origin husbands in New York have complained that their wives are now openly flirting with male colleagues or friends.

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Statistics reveal that in the week following the film's release in the US, a staggering 430 divorce claims had been filed in local courts, up from only 29 in June 2006.

When asked to comment, Johar denied that KANK was aimed at breaking marriages and said he was planning a sequel to set things right.

His new creation, tentatively titled Kabhi Apni Mistake pe Patchtana (KAMP), depicts a rift between lovers Shahrukh and Rani and how they each go back to their original spouses - Preity Zinta and Abhishek Bachchan. (T2N2)

Toddler in the dock for eve-teasing

2006-08-04T01:11:00.000+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) Gullu Sharma, a three-year-old resident of Malviya Nagar has achieved the unenviable distinction of being the youngest person ever to be charged with eve-teasing.

The precocious youngster allegedly committed the crime when he broke into Tu cheez badi hai mast mast and winked at a mini-skirt clad teenager on Wednesday.

Gullu was caught by an alert bystander who took him to the area police station where the toddler succumbed to the temptation of a chocolate bar and pleaded guilty.

However, in view of his young age, Gullu is likely to be released on parole or sentenced to community service.

The eve-teasing case has made it to the limelight after a similar case in Patna.

Neighbours say Gullu started showing his true colours immediately after birth. The newborn peed on the doctor who delivered him and winked at a nurse.

Over the next two years, the toddler built up a song bank of eight Bollywood chartbusters and perfected 17 styles of flirting. However, he had not been previously caught by police. (T2N2)

India's top cosmetic surgeon to fix PMO mole

2006-07-29T08:24:00.001+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) Relenting to BJP leader Jaswant Singh's demands on the mole in the PMO, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh today said he has hired the country's top cosmetic surgeon Dr Sudhakar Prasad to cut away the congenital eyesore.

"Jaswant should have pointed out years ago that he didn't like the mole. We didn't do anything till now because we regarded the mole as a beauty spot," the prime minister told T2N2.

Prasad and his team of doctors are scheduled to perform the cosmetic operation at South Block on Monday.

Jaswant Singh has written extensively about the mole in his book 'A Call to Honour' and has devoted entire chapters tracing the growth and history of the said mole since 1947.

He has alleged that the mole is now giving US citizens free access to India's culinary secrets and musical treasures.

"The mole has grown to about a foot in size and has inadvertently started transmitting programmes aired on Radio Mirchi to the US. I am not saying this is bad but then the West has already stolen things like Indian basmati. They will now copy Indian music," the BJP leader told T2N2.

The former External Affairs minister refused to name the mole in the PMO and said some people might be offended if he gave it a moniker.

"The mole has fans and admirers and they might file a legal suit against me. And who knows whether the mole itself is civil or uncivil," he said.

Expressing his happiness with the prime minister's decision, Singh said he would now devote his spare time to scrutinising pimples, blackheads and warts in the PMO. (T2N2)

Hollywood offer may solve NKorean stand-off

2006-07-17T00:24:00.000+05:30

United Nations (T2N2) Although North Korea has rejected a UN resolution condemning its missile launches, officials reveal a Hollywood deal might just smoothen things out.

North Korea has apparently requested the US to consider giving South Korean actor Cha In Pyo a starring role in a major Hollywood production.

UN officials claim that the US is mulling the option, which could lead to lasting peace in the Korean Peninsula and stave off the threat of impending war.

"Well, the film may tank at the box-office but we will be able to avoid a nuclear build-up in the region. Hollywood can surely make that sacrifice," an official said on condition of anonymity.

Pyo, who is known for his role in this year's Korean film Hanbando, is quite popular in North Korea but is virtually unknown in America.(T2N2)

Americans stumped by World Cup football

2006-07-10T23:58:00.000+05:30

New York (T2N2) Claims that the 2006 World Cup final between Italy and France was watched by millions in the US may be hogwash, says a new survey.

A Bemakch firm survey reveals that 67 per cent of Americans did not know what football was and only 3 per cent US citizens were aware that the World Cup was on.

"The third question in our survey was about the World Cup venue. But we didn't bother asking it," says researcher David Hoozer.

For the record, 10,745 randomly chosen people in the 16-25 agegroup across the US were quizzed about the game after Italy beat France in Berlin to win their fourth World Cup on Sunday.

The survey found that only 23 per cent of America knew that Uncle Sam actually has a football team, which bowed out in the World Cup league stage last month. (T2N2)

India relies on 'football spirit' campaign

2006-07-08T19:09:00.000+05:30

Lucknow (T2N2) School and college authorities in the capital of Uttar Pradesh have launched a special campaign to inculcate the "football spirit" in the region.

Coming as it does at the fag end of the football World Cup in Germany, the campaign is one of many drives undertaken across the country to help India qualify for the 2010 edition of the FIFA championships.

Officials admit it's a tough task, given that many youngsters here still refer to the goalkeeper as the wicket-keeper.

"It's the cricket syndrome. Everyone here is obsessed with cricket. But we feel things could certainly change in four years," says Pratap Verma, principal of the New Dawn school here.

Sports coaches feel that inculcating a football spirit among youngsters through classes and training camps is the first step towards finding new talent to replace the ageing national football team.

They also agree that despite the football craze in Goa and West Bengal, the game needs to be popularised in other states to give it a more national outlook. (T2N2)

Indian fans hope to poach Vikash Dhorasoo

2006-07-03T19:55:00.000+05:30

Berlin (T2N2) A group of Indians arrived in Germany this month but unlike millions of football fans, they are not here to watch the World Cup.

Biren Dasgupta is among a dozen football lovers from Kolkata who are here to persuade Vikash Dhorasoo to leave France and play for India.

Born in Mauritius to migrant parents, Dhorasoo became the first player of Indian parentage to play in the World Cup finals when he took to the field for the France-Switzerland league match.

But his fans believe Dhorasoo's inclusion in India's national team would boost its chances of qualifying for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

"We are languishing at 117 on the FIFA charts. We want Dhorasoo and Bhaichung Bhutia to work together to improve our chances in the next World Cup," says Dasgupta.

The group has been unable to meet Dhorasoo till now but hopes to secure an audience with him before the World Cup gets over.

The 32-year-old Paris St Germain midfielder was not available for comment. (T2N2)

'India can win 2010 football World Cup'

2006-06-25T18:13:00.000+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) India beats Brazil to win World Cup. Stumped? But football authorities here believe that this could be a front-page headline in the country's newspapers in 2010.

Officials at the All India Football Federation confirm that a series of classified briefings held recently focused on easing India into the top echelons of football-playing nations in the next three years.

The AIFF is pumping in a lot of money to hold training camps and find new talent to replace its current national team, which is ranked at a measly 117 on the FIFA list.

"Plus British coach Bob Houghton has been specially recruited to make this dream a reality," says one official.

India last qualified for the World Cup in Brazil in 1950. And officials believe that 60 years later, India will be one of the 32 nations battling it out in South Africa for the Jules Rimet trophy. (T2N2)

Fear of 666 grips Indian village

2006-06-05T23:47:00.000+05:30

Kinnamoochi (T2N2) Most folks in this nondescript village in the Indian state of Kerala are terrified of what may happen tomorrow.

They suffer from Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia - the fear of the number 666. For those who still haven't understood what the problem is, June 6 this year can also be written as 06/06/06.

The number has been traditionally associated with the number of the devil or the Anti-Christ and gains notoriety because of its mention in Chapter 18 Verse 18 of the Book of Revelation.

"Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is six hundred threescore and six."

The number holds special significance for Kinnamoochi village because it's number 666 on the country's official register of villages.

In fact, the Christian-dominated village is observing a voluntary curfew tomorrow with most residents feeling they would be safer at home than outside.

Local police said schools, offices and streets are likely to be deserted for the next 24 hours - at least till the "safe arrival" of June 7.

Some villagers have stocked up on rations for a month fearing war, pestilence and even the end of the world. (T2N2)

Cancan steals the show at Cannes

2006-05-18T00:07:00.000+05:30

Cannes (T2N2) A group of amateur cancan dancers here is trying its best to make this year's Cannes film festival the most memorable one yet.

The 16 members of the 'Come Cancan' troupe spend hours regaling visitors with impromptu performances at this fashionable resort town on the French Riviera.

Troupe manager Jacques LeBlanc says he wants to synergise the French experience at the annual extravaganza, amalgamating dance with the visual media.

The cancan - a lively dance of French origin - is performed chiefly by women and is marked by high kicking. Within decades of its development in Paris in the early 19th century, the dance form quickly made its way into revues and stage productions.

LeBlanc believes that catching tourists unawares with performances at pubs and cafes is the best way to show them the "true" Cannes.

"In fact, we are thinking of changing the name of our troupe to 'Come Cancan at Cannes'. Sounds great, doesn't it?"

In case you thought the 2006 film festival was only about The Da Vinci Code and X-Men: The Last Stand, think again - you might just be missing out on the Cannes cancan. (T2N2)

US stance on Iran a 'load of crap'

2006-04-27T11:39:00.000+05:30

Washington (T2N2) A senior US diplomat has claimed that the Bush administration's threat to invoke sanctions against Iran for alleged nuclear activity is just a "load of crap".

Speaking on condition of anonymity, the US State Department official also told T2N2 that chances of a military showdown with Iran were "absolutely zero".

The comments came ahead of Friday's deadline set by the UN Security Council for Tehran to freeze uranium enrichment work as a confidence-building measure.

"With President George W Bush already facing a slide in popularity over the fiasco in Iraq, do you think he will dare to even think of a repeat in Iran."

According to the official, the best friends of both of the President's daughters are from Tehran. Plus, Bush loves Iranian food and has many friends from the country.

"Bush has several icecream buddies in Iran. There's no chance he will actually jeopardize their friendship for some rotten nuclear activity which is unlikely to bear fruit anyway.

"So why the posturing? As a world superpower, the US needs to assert its presence and bully other countries. It's only bark, no bite."

Meanwhile, reports of several Iranian restaurants in the US capital pulling down their shutters have sent White House officials into a tizzy. (T2N2)

UK town secures itself after terror threat

2006-04-08T00:30:00.000+05:30

London (T2N2) Following reports of an al-Qaeda threat, the residents of Wousehode, 40 miles south of the capital, are trying their best to secure their town from any terror attack.

Over the past week, roads leading to the town were painstakingly "wiped" out to prevent vehicles from coming in. Guards have been posted at every nook and corner and every registered citizen has been provided with guns to protect themselves, official sources said.

The measures were taken after an anonymous letter addressed to Wousehode mayor, Doug Heffernan, claimed that the al-Qaeda was preparing for a series of attacks on the nondescript town.

According to Heffernan, residents took matters into their own hands after Scotland Yard refused to pay any credence to the conspiracy theory.

Meanwhile, government sources said they will be looking into the incident.(T2N2)

Forget about Memory pills

2006-04-06T01:20:00.000+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) Goodbye memory pills. Indian scientists at the Memory Institute here have come up with 'Forget' - a pill that actually helps you forget incidents.

Stumped? Well, Raj Shekhar and his team of researchers say that people are eager to forget a lot of unhappy events in their life - the death of a loved one, a traumatic divorce or even the day your Board Exam results came through.

The pill works by forcing the consumer to briefly focus on a facet of the incident and then wipes it out completely from their memory. But what's in the wonder drug? Shekhar refuses to tell us - for now.

"We aren't ready to reveal the ingredients just yet. Foreign multinationals are ever ready to claim stuff invented or perfected by Indians as their own. Take basmati rice for example."

That may be true but will the global community accept a pill that could make incidents depicted in the Hollywood flick Fifty First Dates a lot more common.

The scientists are adopting a 'wait and watch' attitude preferring instead to continue with tests in control groups. But Shekhar promises to reveal more about the wonder pill by the end of this year.

Seems like we will have to take a memory pill to help us remember not to 'forget' about it. (T2N2)

US-India nuke deal hinges on Banarasi sarees

2006-03-11T12:54:00.000+05:30

Washington (T2N2) Despite hectic lobbying in political circles to either clinch or scrap the Indo-US deal, the outcome of the nuclear accord may well depend on - believe it or not - sarees.

India has gifted a pure Banarasi silk saree to each US Congressmen, State Department sources said here.

Currently, a draft legislation on the nuclear accord has been sent to the US Congress by the Bush administration and officials in India are hoping against hope the sarees might just do the trick.

The offer comes at a time when interest in Indian apparel is at an all-time high and the wives of US Congressmen may be tempted to persuade their spouses to see the deal through, the sources said.

Apparently, apprehensions were high in India that Bush would not be able to clinch the deal on his own steam, and the freebie sarees were needed to bring the Congress around.

The Indian saree, espoused by several Hollywood leading ladies, has in the last couple of years caused a sartorial revolution in the fashion streets of Milan and Paris.(T2N2)

NY firm sells water at USD 50 a barrel

2006-02-28T17:56:00.000+05:30

New York (T2N2) Samuel Taylor Coleridge's immortal verses on water in Rime of the Ancient Mariner have been cleverly adopted by 21st century pundits to drive home the Save Water campaign.

But even the 19th-century poet would have been astounded by the lengths to which man would go to ensure water supply for himself.

A US company here is doing just that - cashing in on people's fears of a waterless future - and selling water at 50 dollars per barrel. The firm, which calls itself Secure Water for Your Future (SWYF), says it will store water in fortified cryogenised tanks with unique passwords for its paying customers.

These containers will be opened in 2050, at which time the customers or their heirs will be given back the water - to use as they please.

"At that time, a glass of water is estimated to be worth around 100 dollars. We are enabling people to gift their children water security for the future," says company CEO Doug Heffernan.

Surprisingly, sales have been brisk with 45,000 barrels of water sold since the start-up began its scheme in January this year.(T2N2)

Kidney helps Eve get new-age Adam

2006-01-21T23:42:00.000+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) Rakesh Mathur may not be liking it but his wife Hemlata sure is.

Ever since Mathur underwent a kidney transplant in December last year, this Mongolpuri resident has been exhibiting all the traits of a homemaker.

And why is Hemlata happy with all this? Well, her lazy good-for-nothing husband has suddenly started helping around the house, assisting her with the laundry, the dishes and even changing son Chintu's diapers.

Doctors now suspect that Mathur was given the kidney of a woman and that his newly-acquired habits are vestiges of the deceased woman's traits.

According to kidney specialist Montu Jain, a woman's kidney is radically different from that of a man and responds strongly to external stimuli such as bawling babies, dirty shoes or mangy dogs.

"This particular woman seems to be wielding an extraordinary influence on Mathur. We are closely studying the phenomenon. Nobody's complaining, so we are not thinking of another kidney transplant on Mathur just yet."

Not that Mathur is overjoyed about the whole thing. The 35-year-old chartered accountant says he's happy to help his wife but the time he spends picking up homemaker skills have put paid to drinking sessions with his male colleagues. (T2N2)

India gets 365 Umbrella Days in office

2005-12-26T23:05:00.000+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) The Indian government has authorised the use of umbrellas inside government offices even on non-rainy days.

The Perennial Umbrellas in Government Offices (PUGO) Act 2005 is set to come into force by February after the bill was passed by a majority in both Houses of Parliament yesterday.

According to official sources, people all over India had been eagerly awaiting the Act which has been in the offing for several long years.

"Instead of waiting for government officials to wake up from their siestas and finish pending work, colleagues can now merely poke them with umbrellas. It's a great relief for our throats which had turned hoarse from shouting."

All umbrellas be it parasols or toy versions of all hues would come under the purview of the PUGO Act.

However, the Act will not be enforced in private sector offices as the workaholic ambience coupled with the boss's high blood pressure is considered sufficient antidote to any propensity for falling asleep on the job. (T2N2)

How hic hic Bush vexed Abbas

2005-11-16T00:28:00.000+05:30

Washington (T2N2) Newly declassified documents have revealed that US President George W Bush may be indirectly responsible for the current deadlock in the Middle East peace talks. His crime - Hiccupping.

Two years ago, when Bush met Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas at the White House, Abbas had seemed ready to do anything to procure lasting peace between Israel and Palestine, says an excerpt from a CIA document.

"Unfortunately, just as Abbas was about to sign on the US-brokered roadmap, Bush hiccupped - loudly. A startled Abbas looked up even as the president hiccupped again...and again. When Bush started on his fourteenth hiccup, a visibly-irritated Abbas left the room."

Though under heavy pressure at home to make concrete progress with Bush on the roadmap, Abbas never returned to sign the document. Following a joint news conference where the matter was not discussed, the Palestinian prime minister left for the airport.

White House aides told T2N2 that Bush frequently falls prey to bouts of hiccupping. Many of these have unfortunately struck him during important meetings and who knows - may have inevitably changed the course of history as we know it.

And how does the President get cured? We got our answer, albeit on condition of anonymity, from one of his aides.

"We have tried everything. But he seems to react best to eating peanut butter. So, we have stocked up every possible room here with the president's favourite brand."

Still, that's a temporary solution. Who knows how many more world leaders will Dubya irritate with his untimely hiccups?

After all, Welshman John Francis Crosland has been hiccupping for more than 40 years.(T2N2)

To be or not to be - Who cares!

2005-10-22T00:11:00.000+05:30

London (T2N2) A post-modernist rendition of Shakespeare's immortal play Hamlet, running to packed houses here, has enraged literary purists who say the new version is 'disgusting' and 'unpalatable'.

Unruly Kid productions started performing the kitschy Bollywood-style Hamlet at Queen's Hall on October 15.

According to director Kelton John, elements of tragedy have been deliberately suppressed to make way for what audiences of the 21st century want - Happy Endings.

Deviating from the Shakespearian plot, the play depicts Hamlet as an ambitious prince who kills tyrant Claudius the minute he gets the message from his father's ghost.

Though Ophelia and Gertrude are very much present, the roles of Laertes and Polonius have been cut to accommodate dance sequences set to music by rock band Metallica and India's Shankar-Ehsan-Loy.

"People were getting bored with the concept of the tragic hero. They needed a new hero who takes revenge and enjoys his life too," says John.

Hamlet's celebrated aporia, including his To be or not to be speech, is totally missing from the new production.

In the biggest twist, Hamlet does not die at the end of the play, which sees him cavorting with beloved Ophelia in a 'happily ever after' dream sequence set to Nach Baliye from the Hindi blockbuster Bunty aur Babli.(T2N2)

We are down but not out

2005-10-20T01:25:00.000+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) This online newspaper has been temporarily shut down. It's offices have been raided by FBI agents mad at our discovering the truth behind George Bush' parentage.

While we sort out this mammoth mess, we can only assuage the feelings of our sympathisers with one teeny-weeny promise a la Arnie - We'll be back. (T2N2)

Mystikata falls in love with Priyanka

2005-10-07T12:00:00.000+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) Political circles were agog this week with news that mosquitoes had been detected in the servant quarters of Priyanka Gandhi Vadra's residence. But not everyone knows there's a love story behind it all.

Mystikata, an Aedes Aegypti mosquito interviewed by T2N2, has professed her undying love for the daughter of UPA chairperson Sonia Gandhi.

Apparently a regular at Vadra's VIP residence, Mystikata has been smitten by Priyanka's charms, fair skin and of course "yummy blood."

On Wednesday, a news agency quoted an New Delhi Municipal Council employee as saying that Priyanka had been warned to take precautions and check the breeding of dengue mosquitoes at her home.

But Mystikata remains unperturbed and vows not to leave the place.

"After all, I belong to a royal family. We have been serving the Gandhi family for generations. I even remember Rajiv...Ooh! he was so handsome and tasty...and I remember my great-great grandmother Kuchkata telling me just how delicious Nehru had been."

According to the mosquito, not every Tom, Dick and Harry can dare to bite a member of India's most famous family.

"We have dynasty rule here too. Only the most pure ones, claiming descent from Queen Hairekata (she tasted the blood of sepoy Mangal Pandey in 1857) can lay claim to serving the Gandhi family."

Mystikata is also proud of her clan's achievements this year - The national capital has reported 244 cases of dengue this year compared to 83 last year. (T2N2)

Iran to stop exporting buckets to India

2005-10-05T20:42:00.000+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) India's crucial vote supporting the IAEA resolution against Iran has come back to haunt us.

Irritated by the Janus-faced politics of the ruling UPA government, Iran's Ambassador Zargar Yaghoubi today delivered an angry missive to President A P J Abdul Kalam from his Iranian counterpart Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Sources told us Iran has decided to stop exporting its world-class series of Plastoran buckets to India.

Plastorans are known for their durability and are the favourites in the bucket category worldwide. In fact, India imports 2.5 lakh such buckets from Iran each year.

Although Yaghoubi declined to talk to the media, highly-placed sources told us Iran was miffed by India's attitude and has withdrawn the one item on its export list that would cause India "much pain" and "regret."

According to Congress leader and former Minister of State for External Affairs Salman Khurshid, efforts are being made to smoothen ruffled feathers and political expediency might just save the day for India.

"All are certainly missing the Plastoran buckets. But I am not saying all is lost. There is still time for discussions and India may still hang on to Iran's world-class buckets."

Experts agree that Iran might retract this harsh decision once India votes in favour of our 'bucket' friend at the November meet of the IAEA. (T2N2)

George Bush actually Mexican by birth

2005-09-29T21:06:00.000+05:30

Washington (T2N2) Did you know George W Bush has more in common with tequila and tortilla than he would ever care to admit? The Democrats have never had it this good before - A Republican President of the United States who is actually Mexican by birth.

Unbelievable? You better believe it. Former US president Bush Senior today admitted that son George does not carry an iota of either his or Barbara Bush's genes.

"George is actually the son of our Mexican help Frida who had a live-in relationship with our Mexican chauffeur Enrique. When Enrique dumped Frida, we offered to raise George and give him the security of an American surname. Even a McDonalds in India is more American than George is," he told T2N2 in an exclusive interview.

Bush Senior said that he had made this disclosure as he could no longer continue lying to the world.

"Somewhere in a village in Mexico lives a woman who knows her son is the President of the greatest country in the world but can't reveal it to anybody. My mission now is to help George meet his real mother," he added.

But wouldn't it be difficult to identify the true Frida from the millions who will come forward to claim George as their own?

"That won't be a problem. When she left George with us, Frida carried one half of his soiled diaper with her as a keepsake. The other half is with me. Only when the two halves match perfectly will we know who George's real mother is."

President Bush, however, refused to comment on his father's revelations and closeted himself at his Crawford ranch.

Meanwhile, Democrat Hillary Clinton is all set to cash in on the latest White House scandal and shore up support for her bid to become the first woman president of the United States.

"Forget Rita, forget Katrina. The Bush tequila is the one cocktail that will get Senator Hillary to power next time,"

an aide close to her told us on condition of anonymity. (T2N2)

Indian discovers cure for baldness

2005-09-24T23:56:00.000+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) Bald men rejoice! It's time to get back your hair. Thanks to Indian scientist Prof Bala Nagappa and his team at the University of Hirsutology here, a receding hairline will soon be a thing of the past.

The miracle cure reportedly makes use of cowdung and liver of lizard but that may not deter millions worldwide from rushing to their nearby chemist.

"The liquid potion will be marketed as Hairy Fairy and will be available in stores by the end of this month," says Nagappa.

The wonder drug was developed after three months of back-breaking research by Nagappa and eleven of his undergraduate students.

"We first tested it on bald dogs, then bald pigs and finally our bald peon Ram Chander. It worked wonders on all of them. Especially Ram who has started dating once again after growing nearly three million new hairs on his scalp," says Nagappa.

According to a highly-placed source in Stockholm, Nagappa and his team are now in the running for this year's Nobel Prize for Medicine.

"It's obvious. All the guys in the Nobel Prize jury are bald and are hoping to get free samples from Nagappa," the source told T2N2.

The miracle drug has to be ingested once daily and starts showing results within a week, Nagappa says.

However, a sect of bald people in Italy are challenging the marketing of the hair potion.

"It's cool to be bald and we are proud of it. Many of our Bald and Beautiful members will be converted to the Hairy religion and we resent it," the head of the sect said in a message writen in blood to Nagappa, a copy of which was given to us.

However, Nagappa is going ahead with plans for a mega launch of the Hairy Fairy and has reportedly roped in film actors Bruce Willis and Anupam Kher for promoting the new drug. (T2N2)

Indian techies rush to Laden's help

2005-09-06T23:16:00.000+05:30

Islamabad (T2N2) Move over Pakistan. Terror mastermind Osama bin Laden has found a new ally in the Indian BPO industry.

Speaking to this correspondent from his secret hideout near the Pak-Afghan border, Laden today outlined his plans of hiring al-Qaeda liaison officers from India's leading call centres.

"The problem is that Pakistani recruits here are absolutely ignorant about everything. They don't even know the capital of the United States. What if I tell them to bomb Paris and they end up attacking Tokyo instead?"

Like many Western countries, Laden found a solution in India's low paid yet highly educated urban youth, especially those based in the desi version of Silicon Valley.

"These Bangalore-based guys are just great. The moment any of my Qaedis face any problem, they just call up the call-centre and are given specific instructions on what to bomb, where to bomb and how to bomb. Things are now running with clockwork precision and the next few weeks will see a new reign of terror."

With more and more high-profile customers waxing eloquent about the quality of their employees, Indian call-centres look set to dominate the BPO beat in the coming years.(T2N2)

Bye Bye Qutab Minar

2005-08-03T23:42:00.000+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) Experts here are baffled by the sudden disappearance this morning of the capital city's most famous historical landmark - the Qutab Minar.

Police have cordoned off the area and all retail outlets of sandstone dealers are being raided by the CBI.

Meanwhile, an emergency meeting has been convened by the Ministry of Home Affairs to assess the situation. A Ministry official confirmed that the site where the tower once stood was now totally bare.

The hand of terror outfits like Al-Qaeda is not being ruled out, he said.

The loss was discovered by caretaker Ghumman who told reporters he had no clue where the heritage structure was.

"The Minar was there as usual when I went to sleep last night. This morning when I woke up it had vanished."

Historians feel that it would be next to impossible to transport the Qutab Minar as it is. The only other alternative of taking it down brick-by-brick would have taken even a dedicated army months to accomplish.

According to an ASI official, all this might be the handiwork of a master illusionist like David Copperfield who has hypnotised people into "not seeing" the Qutab Minar. Investigations are on, he said, adding that the loss of the Minar "would be a great loss for India."

Sultan Qutb-ud-Din Aibak laid the foundation of the Minar in AD1199 and it was completed by his successor Iltutmish. At 72.5 metres, the red sandstone structure is, or rather was, the highest stone tower in India.(T2N2)

Mumbai rains lucky for Tommy the eel

2005-08-03T00:59:00.000+05:30

Mumbai (T2N2) The Maharashtra floods may have caused a lot of damage but a 41-year-old scientist is actually thanking God for opening Heaven's floodgates.

Meet Sadashiv Nene (no relation to Madhuri Dixit) who discovered a new species of eel previously unknown to mankind. It all happened right at his house during this week's flash floods.

"I had retreated to the upper floors of my Andheri apartment during the rains. When I came down to the ground floor to search for my dog, I found this magnificent golden-brown eel swimming nonchalantly above my submerged desk."

The new species called 'Eelus Nenelus' after its finder, is said to belong to the non-poisonous variety. Experts suggest that the unprecedented rains in India's financial capital had literally fished out the eel from its hideout, and there might be more where this one came from.

The discovery has been validated by the London Society of Eels, and Nene is obviously on cloud nine.

"Of course, I am happy. Though my dog did not make it alive, I am very pleased to have found this new pet. I have even named it Tommy after my dog."

Be that as it may, Nene might find it a tad difficult holding on to Tommy because his wife Rukmini refuses to come anywhere near his new pet.(T2N2)

Indian stray dogs world's sexiest: Report

2005-06-27T05:27:00.000+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) Indian stray dogs are set to give desi men a complex. A study released today by an international dog-lovers club 'We Love Animals' has rated them the world's sexiest.

The lowly mongrel beat dogs from around the world, including pedigreed dogs from India, when it came to "prowess in bed," the report said.

"They may not be much to look at but female dogs around the world love them anyways,"

a spokesperson for the NGO said.

The study found that Indian stray dogs romped home on the sexiness quotient both in terms of endurance power and ability to satisfy their "spouses."

During the study, 1756 bitches of various breeds were given leeway to consummate relationships with a dog of their choice. An overwhelming majority of 1301 zeroed in on the Indian mongrel, which top-scored in categories like 'body-odour, 'curvature of tail', 'shapeliness of the femural bone' and 'licking ability'.

Despite its small size, the Brazilian Chihuahua was adjudged the runner-up, garnering the affections of 91 bitches while the German Shepherd was the chosen mutt for 81. Interestingly, the British Bulldog remained the hapless bachelor with even the bitch of the same species refusing to entertain his woofs.(T2N2)

US bans sale of hair dye to India

2005-06-26T23:00:00.000+05:30

Washington (T2N2) In a move widely seen as targetting illegal immigration, the United States today banned the sale of hair dye, especially the 'blonde' variety, to India.

"These Indians - they just colour their hair blonde - and disguise themselves as Americans to illegally migrate to the US,"

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told reporters here today.

Rice, however, admitted that the ban is not expected to drastically reduce the number of illegal migrations to the US, given that 'blonde' hair dye is easily available even in India.

"But we are installing machines at airports and ports here which would scan Indians who used hair dye not made in the US. If those people don't have valid passports and visas, we'll just deport them back to India,"

she said.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a top US diplomat said that more measures are in the pipeline to discourage Indians from moving to the US.

"There's an Indian onslaught here. Indians are even winning Spelling Bee contests here and making our kids look like retards,"

he said. (T2N2)

Cat to be singing star on Broadway

2005-06-26T01:29:00.000+05:30

New York (T2N2) Music critic Art Salinger today announced that his 6-year-old tabby cat by the name of 'Meow' is all set to debut on Broadway.

"A year ago, I was shocked to find this pussy in a roadside cafe meowing to the tune of 'We are the World',"

he told T2N2 in an exclusive interview.

Salinger promptly paid the cafe owner a thousand dollars for the cat, which apparently picked up its singing skills after listening to musicians playing in the plaza opposite the cafe.

"Make no mistake, this is going to beat 'Cats'. This cat is gonna make it big. Real big,"

he said.

Presently, Salinger is teaching Meow some new songs, including "some Britney Spears numbers". He says the wonder cat will make its debut sometime at the end of this year. (T2N2)

Aishwarya Rai bids farewell to Bollywood

2005-05-14T20:47:00.000+05:30

Mumbai (T2N2) In what could signal her shifting lock, stock and barrel to Hollywood, actor Aishwarya Rai has announced her retirement from the Bollywood film industry.

"I do have a few projects on hand. But once I finish them, I will not be seen in any Indian film. I will not be signing any new projects here,"

Rai told reporters here today.

The former Miss World revealed that she had been approached for a venture with Oscar-winning director Steven Spielberg and said a film with Tom Cruise was also in the offing.

The diva's announcement came as a shock to many of the leading lights of the Mumbai film industry.

According to co-star Abhishek Bachchan, even though Aish could now help project Indian films at the international level, her absence here may also "prove detrimental to the film industry."

Lover-turned-foe Salman Khan chose to remain silent on the issue while current hearthrob Vivek Oberoi was circumspect in his comments to media.

"We won't be able to meet that often. But careerwise, things are looking up for Aish,"

he said.

However, some critics interpret Rai's move as a move to get back at rival Rani Mukherjee who has been hogging the limelight recently with critically-acclaimed movies like 'Black' and the soon-to-be-released 'Paheli.' (T2N2)

John Paul II happy with heavenly abode

2005-05-08T17:03:00.000+05:30

Undisclosed location (T2N2) Pope John Paul II, who recently crossed over to the other world is happy with his residence in heaven, sources said today.

"It's really clean and tidy here. Plus, its so peaceful that I can actually hear
the clouds passing by,"

the Pope was quoted as saying by sources.

The popular pontiff, who could well be on the path of sainthood, is also reported to have had an audience with the Heavenly Father as also his son Jesus Christ.

According to sources, the Pope told Princess Diana -

"It was a great moment. God is such a great guy. It was wonderful talking to him and Jesus. I met Mother Teresa too, but only for a few minutes. She's busy taking care of the Heavenly hospital here. It seems many angels here stumble over clouds (being the same colour as themselves) and sustain injuries. Mother seems to as useful here as on Earth."

Asked about his future plans, the Pope said he was looking forward to spend eternity in blissful retirement.

"There's so much to do. Answering prayers of the faithful on earth is in itself a tiring task. When I have time, I prefer sitting in the library here."

Replying to Saint Peter's questions about Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger's ability to lead the Catholics, the Pope is said to have praised him highly.

"I feel Ratzinger was the best choice for being the Pope and I am happy with the decision of the cardinals. He was my right-hand man and he would perform his duties well,"

the former Pope was quoted as saying.

The Pope's recommendation is expected to squash murmurs among a section of the Catholic community about the "hardliner" attitude of newly-installed Pope Benedict XVI. (T2N2)

22-kg baby actually an alien, say doctors

2005-04-22T20:51:00.000+05:30

Kolkata (T2N2) Doctors have confirmed that an over-sized infant living in a nondescript village in West Bengal's Murshidabad district is actually an alien.

Lokman Hakim, the eleven-month-old who weighed in at an astonishing 22 kilos, has a penchant for gobbling down a kilo of rice and seven litres of milk at a single sitting.

Media reports had earlier cited doctors as saying that the abnormality had arisen from a hormonal imbalance but they have been unable to find any scientific explanation for the phenomenon.

Some of them now feel that the infant's voracious appetite cannot be ascribed to something on terra firma.

"It's sure to be an alien, Whether a good one like in 'Men in Black' or an evil
one like in 'Omen,' it's too early to say,"

says Dr Bulls Banerjee.

According to Dr Chills Chatterjee, India should start building a special ricket to zoom up the infant to wherever he belongs.

Meanwhile, villagers from miles away have started pouring into Lokman's village to catch a glimpse of the visitor from outer space.

Unscrupulous pundits have already set up a makeshift darshan tent wherein for a small fee, people can actually hold (if they can) the infant, which is an onerous task considering the kid starts emitting high-decibel screams if kept away from food for too long. (T2N2)

US agrees to cede Alaska to India

2005-04-21T22:00:00.000+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) In a significant development, the United States today conditionally agreed to cede its territory of Alaska to India, provided India gave up all claims of a permanent seat in the United Nations Security Council.
In an exclusive telephonic interview to this correspondent from Moscow, US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that Alaska was but a small price to pay for keeping India away from power at the UN.

"We just have snow and ice and Eskimos in Alaska. And a bit of oil too - but
then that cost we'll extract from India using other means. Anyways, it's a
really worth it to keep India away from the reins of power at the UN. Believe
me! It's worth it,"

Rice was in Moscow to conduct talks with Russian leaders and gloat over America's supremacy over the Kremlin.
Reactions from the ruling UPA government in New Delhi were on expected lines, even though a decision as to India's acceptance of the plan had not been taken till the time of filing this story. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh hailed the announcement as a new era in Indo-US ties -

"It's like we are now married. India is the husband and the US the wife and
Alaska is the dowry. What a wonderful life. God bless us both."

RSS supremo Sudershan, however, alleged that the gift was a double-edged one and part of a carefully thought-out strategy by the US.

"There will be millions of missionaries in Alaska, and they will all become
Indian citizens. This way the population of Christians here will increase and
they will start calling the shots in India."

Meanwhile, Tourism Minister Renuka Choudhary was excited about the news, and has already unveiled a plethora of plans to be put into action in Alaska.

"I can't give you much details yet. But we'll certainly be having a night bazaar
and cultural festival in Alaska."

External Affairs spokesperson Navtej Sarna said that a befitting reply to the US offer will be drafted and sent to the US in the coming days, but hinted that in all probability the reply would be a "positive one". (T2N2)

Uma may get Nobel Peace Prize

2005-04-20T23:14:00.000+05:30

New Delhi (T2N2) A startling revelation rocked the Bhartiya Janata Party camp today with the Nobel Peace Prize Committee in Oslo revealing that sanyasin Uma Bharti had been nominated for the 2005 Nobel Peace Prize. The nomination came hours after the seasoned political campaigner announced that she was considering retiring from all political intrigues.

"The Committee feels that such a move by Lady Bharati is bound to usher in peace and harmony in Indian political circles and heralds a new beginning for Indian democracy. We feel the need to honour the damsel for her peerless sacrifice in the interests of the people,"

the Peace Prize panel said in a statement.
Although Ms Bharti was unavailable for comment, BJP President L K Advani was unequivocal in his immediate reaction to the announcement.

"I don't understand...I have offered to resign so many times. They never considered me for a prize."

Meanwhile, senior leader Vajpayee also seemed shocked by the news, considering that he burst out crying in front of reporters at his residence.

"Why...(sob)...Why can't she (sob) just leave without any controversy?"

Later in the evening, however, the party issued a perfunctory statement welcoming the announcement and added that it wished more of its notorious leaders could be conferred the coveted Prize, and help the party get rid of them in the process. (T2N2)

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